Just another day with me
Today I woke up, the clock from my lock screen told me that it was 12 pm already, I don’t know about you guys but I always felt miserable every time I woke up, the bad quality of sleeping affecting directly my mood, although I couldn’t complain about it, last night was great I was re-watching some good classical movies such as Twelve Angry Men and Casablanca.
In a perfect story, I would write something inspiring about my morning routine, it could have been, I woke up in the morning, brewing my coffee, I sat in my room as the sun still shy to show itself, I was trying to write the first couple of thoughts that I had from the night before. But no, I woke up in the afternoon, and lighting my cigarette was the first thing that I did, beginning my day with this filthy habit of mine.
Today, I had an appointment with some of my friends, it had been a while since I gave them a visit, after a lot of procrastination about the trip as I was waiting for the weather to a little brighter, the sun was finally kind enough to give me its light, I started my bike, warming it up first, and off I go, the journey took roughly about 40 minutes, implying if there was no any unfortunate circumstances along the way.
My friends still were not able to understand why I always eager to do that 40 minutes trip back and forth, and last year I went so often — maybe too often — , I did it almost every day. Knowing how time-consuming the trip was, this year I tried to be committed to myself to do less traveling and more writing — so far so good. As I arrived there, my friends were already there, but ugh, there was that guy who kept flexing around, and frankly, I never liked him, blinded by the fact that he was still one of my friends, faking my smile seems to keep me get along with that guy though. This guy felt like collateral damage for me, someone that I didn’t expect to be there, as the words coming from his mouth was a little bit too harsh for me, bad enough to get my ears itchy, I took one step back and told my friends “I’m going for a walk”.
My friends always saw me as this guy who likes to be alone, sometimes as I was there, I didn’t talked at all and hangin’ out with my own thoughts instead, zoned out for a few minutes, so every time they heard me “I’m going for a walk”, no question asked, they understood it instantly. Packed with a Spotify’s playlist and an earphone, I began my walk, as I began walking, I noticed there was something missing, what was it? Oh yeah, a can of cola. I always had an urge to drink soda from time to time, but after losing 17 kilograms, I didn’t want to be stuck in that position again, I switched to my beloved Cola zero.
I still don’t understand why people don’t walk more, it’s really nice if you can find solitude within your days, the funniest thing was, I never bumped with my friends who apparently were walking too, most of them who I bumped were using motorcycles. I guess nobody finds walking a fun thing to do anymore, ironically, as sad as it sounds, I was kind of glad where I often used to be the only person who walked on the sidewalk, it gave me another level of solitude, and I don’t take my walking trips for granted. Although my feet were walking, and my eyes seem to be watching the road, my mind wandering, exploring the deepest thoughts that I had above there.
Today I said another “I love you”, no matter how many times I have said this phrase, it doesn’t get easier, I guess this was an exception when it comes to the phrase of ‘you get better when you’re practicing it more’. Although from my experiences saying this phrase brought me nowhere than just to felt the darkness of life, often described by getting “Thank you” responses — Seriously, that was the worst response a person could ever get. But I have stopped worrying about the results, about the outcomes, for most of the part I didn’t even need feedback, I just wanted to let that person knows, that was my mission. For me, saying how I feel is really important, and I will keep doing that because I wanted to see the world more than just black and white, I wanted to see and feel a yellow, a green, a purple, and any color spectrum between them, I wanted to feel as much as I can.
Although that I have been practicing gratitude and embracing my own vulnerabilities, it’s not easy as it seems, though I have to keep my mindfulness during most of the days, still, in the blink of the eyes, there were these questions again in my mind, questioning my existence and my purpose in this world, judging my progress, the wound that I have healed started to open again as these questions begin to flew, and it hurts as a new flesh. While telling my own version of the ‘broken heart’ story might put me on the victim’s side, but what happened was also my own fault, I’m the only person who was responsible for everything that happened, and I’m not going to victimize myself anymore as I’m making the other person the evil that had to be destroyed. I guess, this is just one of those nights, where all the things that I thought had gone and not offending me anymore are suddenly matters again just like the ancient times.
The definition of a perfect day for me is something that you could see on my Instagram’s feed, just walking, enjoying my coffee, with a perfect sun, a picture of beautiful sunset melts into the ocean, but that was just the tip of the iceberg from what I’m feeling most of the time. Each time the day had passed it also brought new challenges for me, sometimes I was lucky enough to solve, but most of the time I was just lying on my bed and hoping the next day would bring me a fortune.
Back to the story of my day, apart from my own fantasy and my own fairy tales, riding back home sometimes felt too lonely and cold for me, but still, I’m trying to make it close enough with my definition of a perfect day, I was preparing my playlist filled with Cigarettes After Sex’s songs, starting with Apocalypse and ended with John Wayne, although it was the end of the day, closure is important in every story, it’s what makes The Lord of The Rings were so memorable and famous — the ending matters. No matter how I tried to make everything seems to be more perfect, in reality, it was harder than that, though the reality felt always bitter than the dreams, it was within the bitterness itself our souls exist.
