A Letter to a Passed Father
All the things that were left unsaid
You’ve taught me how to shave, you’ve taught me how to be a man, and you were the loudest when it comes to telling me to pursue my dreams, but you never really taught me how to live my life when you’re not here next to me.
Now every time I closed my eyes on the darkest night, all the memories that we had haunted me without knowing the mercy that I had just lost you three weeks ago. Without knowing that just like other people, I do have a heart too, and I do cry too.
When people doubted what I do, you were standing next to me, cheering me as if you were my number one fan. When other people told me that I had a crazy dream, you were always there, listening to every word that I said, trying to understand it, even though I knew, you didn’t understand it.
It always feels nice to have someone in my life that says “I got your back son”. And unlike the fairy tales, our relationships have not always been good, we yelled over stupid things, and we didn’t talk when we were mad, but in the end, you always knew how to apologize to me.
Beyond all the glitters and the shiniest things in this world, all I wanted is just one more chance to see you, so you will be able to see all the dreams that you told me to pursue, or maybe just a five minutes chat talking about small things that I have been through on my day. Whatever is this, as long as I can see your face for one more last time.
You’ve always been a fighter, and you will always be. You’ve always made sure that I have enough, even though I knew sometimes you were forcing yourself to make things possible for me. But you never complained about how hard you worked just so you can see me happy in this world.
No matter how hard life hits you, somehow you’ve always found a way to fight back. Even when you were sick, you were forcing your body to take care of your family, and it stays that way until your body gets weaker and weaker.
Dad, I wanted you to know that I was there waiting for you to get healthy again, I was there watching you taking every breath, fighting back, and not letting fate take you away.
And you kept breathing, even though you knew your body couldn’t handle it anymore, you kept forcing yourself to open your eyes even though all the systems in your body just wanted to shut.
Even on your last days, you were forcing your eyes to open for three days straight, until those beautiful eyes of yours melt, and so does my heart.
No child should’ve seen his father’s heart monitor getting weaker and weaker as minutes passed by. And when the doctor has stopped being busy, and he just stands next to me, signaling that he had done everything he can, I still don’t want to give up on you, because I knew that you still want to fight.
I don’t know if you heard me that time, but I said “Please don’t give me up on me, because I will never give up on you”. As I told the doctor to give you the CPR again and again.
Then I heard the last beep from the monitor, signaling that your heart and mine had stopped. That’s when I knew that you were gone from my life forever. A moment like that is not something that someone could forget easily in his life.
I kissed you on the forehead, telling you how proud I’m to see you fighting until the end of your life.
Dad, I wanted you to know that I will never take all the talks that we had for granted, I promise to remember every piece of advice that you gave me, and I will cherish the moment that we had been through together.
I will take care of the family just like you took care of me when I was a little child. Dad, I promise with my whole heart.